Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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