Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
