I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
