she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
