i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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