Don't make out with my wife yet
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
