Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
