Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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