I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
