If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
