Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
