I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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