So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
