"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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