Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
