Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
