whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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