Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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