before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Your penis caused this!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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