I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His hands were made for my vagina.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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