so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
