I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
