I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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