No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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