so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
