So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
