Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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