Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
