he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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