I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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