Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
