someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
