so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
