So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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