Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
