She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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