I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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