that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
