Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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