As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
