I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
