Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
