My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sext me about skeletons
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
