This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
