i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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