Please, let me fuck your mom
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
