how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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