your room smells of hookers.
And success
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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