I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
