I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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